Jokes Random
Radical procedure
After graduating from college, Joe was increasingly hampered by worse and worse headaches. By his 30th birthday, he decided to seek medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who could diagnose the problem.
"The good news is that I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked, but after the years of suffering, he decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was finally clear, and he felt like he needed a new beginning.
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see, size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the suit, and it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck." Sure enough, it was an exact fit.
As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see, 9-1/2 E." Again, the salesman was spot on.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop in the new shoes, and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see, 7-5/8." The hat fit perfectly.
Joe was feeling great. Finally, the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36."
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
My Puppy punched me in the eye
My puppy punched me in the eye.
My rabbit whacked my ear.
My ferret gave a frightful cry
and roundhouse kicked my rear.
My lizard flipped me upside down.
My kitten kicked my head.
My hamster slammed me to the ground
and left me nearly dead.
So my advice? Avoid regrets;
no matter what you do,
don't ever let your family pets
take lessons in kung fu.
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box.
She opened it, slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house and again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”
To which she replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, “YOU’VE GOT MAIL!”
College Donation
Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.
Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.
Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.
The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers.
Frank is outraged by his friends act of generosity.
"What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank., "You know hes only going to use it on drugs or booze."
Facebook addict
I'm not addicted to facebook! You know, I just use it whenever I have time. Lunch time, break time, bed time, off time, that time, this time, any time, all the time!
Redneck birth control Cherrybomb
A man and and a woman from Alabama don't want any more children because they already have 11. So the husband goes to a doctor in Ohio. The doctor asks, "What state are you from?
The man say,s "Alabama." The doctor tells him to go home, put a lit cherry bomb in an empty soda can, hold it in his hand, and count to 10. The husband isn't so sure of this, so he goes to another doctor, this time in California.
When that doctor finds out that the husband is from Alabama, he tells him the exact same thing that the doctor in Ohio told him. The husband figures that the doctors must be right.
So he goes home, puts a lit cherry bomb in a soda can, and starts to count. ''1...2...3...4...5...'' The husband takes the soda can and puts it between his legs to continue counting on his fingers on his right hand. ''6...7...8...9...''
Soldier to General
Soldier to General: Sir! A small enemy group is attacking..
General: Quickly bring me my red shirt..
"After Enemies Defeat"
Soldier: Sir why the red shirt?
General: In red shirt if i got shot, my soldiers would'nt see my blood so they wont b discouraged..
Soldier: Sir 100 enemy tanks are attacking..
General: Hurry up! Bring me My Yellow Trousers...
Trip to disney world
A family took a trip to Disney World. After three exhausting days, they headed home. As they drove away, the son waved and said, “Goodbye, Mickey.”
The daughter waved and said, “Goodbye, Minnie.”
The husband waved, rather weakly, and said, “Goodbye, Money.”
Give me the bad news first
The patient says, "Give me the bad news first!"
Doctor replies, "You've got AIDS."
"Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" asks the patient.
"You've also got Alzheimer's Disease."
Looking relieved the patient says, "Oh...Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS."
Mosquitos beer
A woman walked into the kitchen and found her husband walking around with a fly swatter. “What are you doing?” she asked. “Hunting mosquitoes,” He responded. “Oh, catching any?” She asked. “Yep, two males, two females,” He replied. Intrigued, she asked, “How can you tell?” He responded, “Two were on a beer can, two were on the phone.”
Problems in maths
Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.
After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"
Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head "No".
"Well then", she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?".
Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.
HIS HOLY CROSSWORD
A gentleman sits next to a priest on an airplane. He sees the priest doing a crossword puzzle.
Time passes and the priest says, "Excuse me, sir, but do you know a four letter word that describes a woman and ends in 'u-n-t'?"
The gentleman thinks about this and finally says, "I believe the word you're looking for is 'aunt.'"
The priest replies, "Oh, you're right. That fits, too. Would you happen to have an eraser?"
Group therapy
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy with four young mothers.
"You all have obsessions.",The doctor observed.
To the 1st mother, he said,
"You are obsessed with eating. You've even named you're daughter 'Candy'."
He looks to the 2nd mother saying,
"Your obsession is with money.
Again, It manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He looks to the third mother 'n says,
"Your obsession is alcohol.
This manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point,
The 4th mother Gets up,
Takes her little boy by the hand 'n says to him, "Come on, Dick, We're leaving!"
Hunting Trip
Three friends go out hunting. One of them is a genius, another a pretty smart guy and the last is a complete idiot.
The genius goes out hunting for a couple of hours and comes back with the HUGE buck. The other 2 friends are standing there, and they say, " wow, how did u catch that!?"
The genius replies, "Well I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and I shot it."
Still in awe the average joe goes out and comes back with a decent size buck, nothing crazy, but good sized.
He brings it back, and his 2 friends say, "Wow nice buck!" "How did U catch that"? He replies with, "well I took "the genius' “advice"; I saw the tracks followed then and shot the buck".
So the idiot says, "Well guys I guess it’s my turn, I’ll be back in a while." "Ok" they reply.
So a couple hours later the idiot comes crawling back to the camp moaning in pain with cuts, bruises, and broken bones. His friends ask, "wow what happened!?!?"
The idiot replies, “Well I took "the genius' " advice, "I saw the tracks, followed them, and got hit by a train!"
Elderly punjabi
An elderly Punjabi admitted to the intensive care department of a hospital requested that he has taken lessons in French. The doctor was puzzled and asked him why?
“Well, French is the language of heaven,” he sighed. “I want to be able to communicate with everyone in heaven if I die.”
“But how are you so sure that you will end up in heaven? You might go to hell. What good will French do you then?” asked the doctor.
“That will no problem. I am fluent in Punjabi.”
Out of control
“The president will come to town…”
“The price of beans is coming down…”
“I’ll love you till the end of time…”
“But shooting ducks should be a crime…”
“We’ve never had a better sale…”
“We’ll have to break them out of jail…”
“The Pope arrived to lead the prayers…”
“The Dallas Cowboys beat the Bears…”
“The temperature is three below…”
“These vitamins will help you grow…”
What’s going on? Well, bless my soul!
Baby’s got the remote control.
Talker
Teacher: "Ramu, you talk a lot !"
Ramu: "It's a family tradition".
Teacher: "What do you mean?"
Ramu: "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher: "What about your mother?"
Ramu: "She's a woman".
What a relief
Banta tripped on the stairs and broke his leg. The doctor put a cast on it and warned that he wasn't to use the stairs until the cast came off.
The weeks later he removed the cast and pronounced him well on the way to recovery.
"Oh good," Banta responded. "Is it all right for me to walk the stairs now?"
"Yes," said the doctor, "if you promise to be careful."
"I can't tell you what a relief it will be," he sighed. "It was such a nuisance crawling outside and shinnying up and down that drainpipe all the time!"
Stairway to laughter
A blonde, A brunette, and a red-head all died in a car crash, and they all went to heaven at the same time.
They arrive at the gates of heaven, when God appears and tells them they must pass a laughter test, if they fail, they will be sent to hell.
The objective was to climb 100 stairs without laughing. Each stair will have it's own joke.
The Brunette goes first, and laughs at the 46th stair.
The Red-Head goes second, and laughs at the 77th stair.
The Blonde, makes all the way to the 100th step, when she suddenly bursts out with laughter.
God asks "Why are you laughing now?"
The Blonde says "I just got the first joke!".
