Soldier to General: Sir! A small enemy group is attacking..
General: Quickly bring me my red shirt..
"After Enemies Defeat"
Soldier: Sir why the red shirt?
General: In red shirt if i got shot, my soldiers would'nt see my blood so they wont b discouraged..
Soldier: Sir 100 enemy tanks are attacking..
General: Hurry up! Bring me My Yellow Trousers...
An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes". The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..." After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal. "Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."
A couple going on vacation but his wife was on a business trip so he went to the destination first and his wife would meet him the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.
Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mistyped a letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
Sam goes to the doctor for his yearly checkup. “Everything is fine”, said the doctor, “You’re doing OK for your age.” “For my age?” questioned Sam, “I’m only 75, do you think I’ll make it to 80? “Well” said the doctor, “do you drink or smoke?” “No” Sam replied. “Do you eat fatty meat or sweets?” “No” said Sam “I am very careful about what I eat.” “How about your activities? Do you engage in thrilling behaviors like speeding or skiing? “No” said Sam taken aback, “I would never engage in dangerous activities.” “Well,” said the doctor, “then why in the world would you want to live to be 80?
A cowboy rides up to a saloon on his horse. He goes in, orders a drink, then leaves. His horse is gone. He goes back to the saloon, and asks, "Where's my horse?"
No one replies. So he says, "I'll order one more drink, and then if my horse isn't outside, I'll have to do what i did in Texas and I don't like doing that."
So the locals hurry around, and when he leaves, his horse is outside.
As the stranger gets on his horse, the bartender asks, "What did you do in Texas?" to which the cowboy replies, "I had to walk home."
A visitor to Santa, "Which is Mr Banta's flat?"
Santa: Please come with me.
The visitor is taken on stairs to the 3rd floor.
The visitor rings the bell and there is no response. He rings it again and again and still no one answers. Visitor: I think he is not in. Santa: Yeah, he has gone out. He'll be back in the evening!
There was this magician who had a job on a cruise liner, entertaining the passengers with a nightly show. He was very successful in his job and there was always a full house at all his performances. Life was sweet. The money was rolling in, he had one of the best cabins, ate the best food, mixed with the best people. All was fine until one day the captain bought a parrot.
The highlight of the parrot's day was going along to see the magician in action in the evening. During the magician's performances, the parrot would watch him very carefully during each trick, and immediately after the magician had completed the trick the parrot would call out in a loud squark, " It's up his sleeve, it's up his sleeve," or, " It's down his trousers, it's down his trousers," each time ruining the magician's trick.
Well life was no longer as sweet and the magician started to struggle to satisfy the passengers. The magician naturally got very tired of the parrot and longed to kill it.
Then one night in the middle of the magician's perform- ances, the ship hit an iceberg and sank. Everyone was killed except for the magician and the parrot. The magician managed to swim to a piece of wreckage, climbed aboard and collapsed. The parrot flew towards the magician and perched on the edge of the raft and stared at the magician.
For a whole day the magician was unconscious, and all this time the parrot did not take his eyes off him.
Eventually the magician started to stir, and looked up not really knowing where he was or what had happened. He eventually found enough energy to sit up. He then noticed the parrot, who had not stopped focusing his eyes on him all this time.
"All right I give up ..." chirped the parrot, "... What have you done with the ship"
A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Von Bernuth, and sat down to explain his problem. "Doctor, doctor!" he started. "No need to repeat yourself, my good man," replied the doctor. "One 'doctor' is enough." "Yes, well, you see, I've got this problem," the man continued. "I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. A large, white, hairy Pyrenees mountain dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!"
"A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Come over here and lie down on the couch." "Oh no, Doctor. I'm not allowed up on the furniture."
Mrs Cameron, a primary teacher, was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.
"All right children, let's take an example," Mrs Cameron said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?"
Little Tony raises his hand, and with a confident smile says, "You'd be his wife."
A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant.
The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."
The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.
"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.
"Exactly," replied the instructor.
To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."
A couple invited some people to dinner. At the table, the wife turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
Little Johnny was walking down the hallway at school. When he reaches his classroom he looks inside and sees a sub instead of his regular teacher. Johnny sits down and the teacher says, “Now students, my name is Ms. Prussy. Not the other word, this word has an r after the first letter.” Johnny started laughing. An hour later he forgot her name and said, “Your name has an r after the first letter -- is it Ms. Crunt?”
An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip. He hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place where he can get a pizza.
The concierge tells him he will call for delivery to his room and takes his order.
Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up. The businessman takes the pizza and starts sneezing uncontrollably.
He asks the delivery man, "What the heck did you put on this pizza?"
The delivery man bows deeply and says, "Just what you ordered -- pepper only."
A young woman had given birth in the elevator of a New Delhi hospital, and was embarrassed about it.
One of the Doctors, in an effort to console her, said, "Don t feel bad. Why, only two years ago a lady delivered in the front yard of the hospital."
With that the new mother burst out crying.
"I know," she said. "That was me, too."