A very old couple wanted to have children, so they went to their doctor and told him their problem. The doctor gave the couple a tiny jar and told them to fill it up. About a week later, the couple came back.
"I tried with my right hand until it gave out, and I tried with my left hand until it gave out," said the man.
"And I tried with both hands until they gave out," said the woman. "And we still can't get the lid off the jar."
Sunday night at dinner,
My mom got really mad,
I wouldn't eat her re-fried mud,
It tasted pretty bad...
Monday night at dinner,
My father lost his cool,
I wouldn't eat his broccoli cake,
It went agaist his rule...
Tuesday night at dinner,
My mom got so irate,
I wouldn't eat the pickled prunes,
I left them on my plate...
Wednesday night at dinner,
My dad was so enraged,
I didn't eat his fungus food,
He tried to have me caged!!!
Thursday night at dinner,
My mom was angry so,
She cooked my two best footballs,
They taste like moldy dough...
A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." so the woman replies, "If you dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."
Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.
The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."
Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor.
Which one picked it up?
Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!
A guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" he asks.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it," she replies.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explains.
She looks satisfied and apologizes.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes to, he says, "What was that for?"
"YOUR HORSE PHONED!"
If A Girl Laughs Loudly She Is Cheerful
If A Boy Laughs Loudly He Is Manner less
If A Girl Talks Sweetly She Is Charming
If A Boy Talks Sweetly He Is A Flirt
If A Girl Is Shopping She Is Trendy
If A Boy Is Shopping He Is Wasting Money
If A Girl Is Silent She Is Feeling Sad
If A Boy Is Silent He Is Being Rude
If Girls Walk In A Group Its A Group
If Boys Walk In A Group Its A GANG.. !
My puppy likes the water.
My puppy likes to swim.
I've never seen a puppy
who swims as much as him.
He swims not on the surface,
but only underneath.
And maybe I should warn you,
he has very scary teeth.
Whenever people see him
they're frightened of his grin.
Or maybe it's his lack of fur.
Or maybe it's his fin.
If you should buy a puppy,
just get the kind that barks.
Don't be like me. I bought mine
at a store that just sells sharks.
Officer: We need you in the army.
Joker: I’ll join but on three conditions.
Officer: Ok. what are the conditions?
Joker: My first condition is that I’ll not wear the uniform because it is hot.
Officer: Ok. What is the second condition?
Joker: I’ll not do the perade and other training under the sun because it is hot. I’ll only do it under the shed or some kind of shadow cover.
Officer: Ok. What is your third condition?
Joker: And my last and most important condition is that during war times, I’ll remain on leave.
A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant.
The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."
The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.
"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.
"Exactly," replied the instructor.
To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."
Mother comes home from a business trip and asks her little son,. 'Well, Johnny, how did you get along with father while I was away?'
'Everything was fine, mum,' the little boy says. 'Daddy took me to the middle of the lake by boat every morning and I swam home alone.'
'Wasn't it too much for you to swim?'
'Oh, no, mum, the only problem was that I had to get out of the bag first.'
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are camping together. When they go to sleep, Sherlock says, 'Tell me what you can see when you're looking up?'
'Thousands of stars,' says Watson.
'And what's your conclusion from all this?'
Dr Watson starts to think. 'If I consider it from astrological aspects,' he says slowly, 'I must assume that there are millions and millions of stars and galaxies in the universe. From psychological points of view I conclude that we're so infinitely small in comparison with God's overall creation. And if meteorology is concerned, I would say that we can expect fine weather tomorrow. What's your opinion?'
'You're a fool, Watson,' Holmes says. 'Our tent has been stolen.'
Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking, 'What trip?'