A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
What do you call 5000 dead criminal defense lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!
What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, and then on the other.
How do you get a group of personal injury lawyers to smile for a picture?
Just say "FEES"
The doctor told a patient that if he ran eight kilometers a day for 300 days, he would loose 34 kilos. After 300 days, the patient called the doctor to report he had lost weight, but he had a problem.
Doctor : 'What is the problem?'
Patient : 'I am 2400 kms. from home.'
A woman walked into the kitchen and found her husband walking around with a fly swatter. “What are you doing?” she asked. “Hunting mosquitoes,” He responded. “Oh, catching any?” She asked. “Yep, two males, two females,” He replied. Intrigued, she asked, “How can you tell?” He responded, “Two were on a beer can, two were on the phone.”
A hardworking female executive dies and meets St. Peter at the pearly gates and he says, "You've shown an outstanding aptitude for making business decisions. Choose whether you will go to heaven or to hell."
"I don't know!" she flounders.
"Tell you what," St. Peter says, "You can have 24 hours in heaven and 24 hours in hell. Then you have to decide where to spend eternity."
"Okay then," she says. "I'll start with heaven since I'm here already."
She goes in the pearly gates and makes some acquaintances. They have a nice walk among beautiful gardens. They have a nice quiet lunch. They have a nice stroll along a pristine, white, sandy beach looking out on brilliant blue ocean. At the end of the day she is shown to a nice room, and has a quiet meal on the balcony, looking out over the setting sun and the ocean. She marvels at the scenic beauty of heaven.
The next morning, St. Peter takes her to the fiery gates of hell and hands her off to Satan.
Satan takes her to a power breakfast given in her honor. Then she is escorted to a tennis club where she is greeted by her old boss, some co-workers, and previous business acquaintances. She plays a few sets of tennis and catches up on the gossip. At lunchtime her old boss takes her to a gourmet restaurant and she has an excellent meal with vintage wine.
After lunch he takes her to an exclusive golf course and they play 18 holes of golf. She runs into other business acquaintances and catches up on news and gossip.
After golf, he drops her at a spa where she is pampered and spoiled by beauty and body treatments. When she is finished at the spa, an acquaintance takes her shopping at designer stores. She picks out a fabulous evening gown, and Satan himself takes her to a huge party with drinking, dancing, gourmet food, and famous people.
At the end of the evening, a stretch limo drops her off at a five-star hotel. As she soaks in the Jacuzzi tub, and sips the complimentary champagne, she ponders eternity.
The next morning, she meets St. Peter at the pearly gates.
"Well, have you made your decision?" He asks.
"I've decided on hell," she announces.
"So be it." St Peter waves goodbye and she reappears before the fiery gates of hell.
Once inside she is teamed up with her old boss again, only this time everyone is wearing rags. They are filthy, diseased, malnourished, and living in a barren desert. They have to scrounge for food, water, clothing, even shade.
"What happened!?!" She exclaimed.
"Well," said her boss, "Yesterday you were a recruit. Today you are staff."
I was working as a senior secretary at a small accounting firm when one day my boss realized that a costly mistake had been made on a client's financial statement. It had already been mailed out, and my boss was expecting the client to call in an uproar as soon as the mistake was discovered. He was in a quandary as to how to explain the error. Although it was his fault, I magnanimously told him: "Well, why don't you blame it on me? That way the client won't be as upset with you." "No, that won't work," he said. "That's what I always tell them."
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being
discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
The teacher noticed that Johnny had been daydreaming for a long time. She decided to get his attention. "Johnny," she said, "If the world is 25,000 miles around and eggs are sixty cents a dozen, how old am I?
"Thirty-four," Johnny answered unhesitatingly.
The teacher replied "Well, that's not far from my actual age. Tell me...how did you guess?"
Oh, there's nothing to it," Johnny said. "My big sister is seventeen and she's only half-crazy."
Jasmeet caught her husband Santa Singh searching high and low all around his living room. Jasmeet : “What are you searching for?” Santa : “Hidden camera!” Jasmeet : “And what makes you think that there are hidden camera here?” Santa : “That guy on tv knows exactly what I am doing. Why every few minutes he keeps saying, You are watching the Star World channel. How does he know that?”
Santa walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Was I in here last night?"
"You certainly were," replies the bartender.
"And did I spend a lot of money?" Santa asked.
"You spent over Rs. 10000," replies the bartender.
"Thank god for that," says Santa, "I thought I'd wasted it."
“The president will come to town…”
“The price of beans is coming down…”
“I’ll love you till the end of time…”
“But shooting ducks should be a crime…”
“We’ve never had a better sale…”
“We’ll have to break them out of jail…”
“The Pope arrived to lead the prayers…”
“The Dallas Cowboys beat the Bears…”
“The temperature is three below…”
“These vitamins will help you grow…”
What’s going on? Well, bless my soul!
Baby’s got the remote control.
An elderly Punjabi admitted to the intensive care department of a hospital requested that he has taken lessons in French. The doctor was puzzled and asked him why?
“Well, French is the language of heaven,” he sighed. “I want to be able to communicate with everyone in heaven if I die.”
“But how are you so sure that you will end up in heaven? You might go to hell. What good will French do you then?” asked the doctor.
“That will no problem. I am fluent in Punjabi.”
Dad to Tintu mon:
When I beat you how did you control your anger?
Tintu mon: I start cleaning the toilet.
Dad: How does that satisfy you?
Tintu mon: I clean it with your tooth brush.
Tintu Mon 2 God: Plz give me 1 bag full of money, a job and 1 big vehicle
full of girls.
God: Bless u!
Today Tintu Mon is the bus conductor of a Girls College.
Sardar: Do u know how 2 swim?
Sardar: A dog is better than u! It can swim.
Tintumon: So do u know how 2 swim?
Sardar: For sure!
Tintumon: Then, what's the difference between u and a dog?
Tintumon called FM radio & said
"I've found a purse with Rs.15000/- a credit card & an ID card of
Mr.Mani, No.13,Halls rd,kannur….
Radio jocky : How honest ….so you want to return his purse…?
Tintumon : no……. i just wanted to dedicate a sad song for him…
Father and tintumon were standing in front of the tiger's cage at the zoo.
The father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are, and
tintumon was taking it all in with a serious expression.
"Dad," tinumon said finally, "if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you
"Yes, son?" the father said expectantly.
"What bus should I take home?" tinumon finished.
Tintumon was asked to write a sign board for the traffic near the school.
He wrote"Drive carefully! Don't kill the students, wait for the teachers"
prof:chemical symbol of Barium?
prof:wat will we get if 1 atom of BA & 2 atom of NA combines?
teacher: Write the passive voice of " I made a mistake"
tintumon: " I was made by a mistake"
Tintumon went to his Dad's Friend's home late night.
Uncle offered him to Sleep in Baby's room.
Tintumon refused because the Baby might Cry at Night and went to sleep in the drawing hall.
Next morning he saw a Beautiful young Girl at the breakfast table,
Tintumon : Who are you?
The girl replied,"I am Baby and You??"
Tintumon : I am a Stupid!!!
A professor to tintumon: "what is attention deficit hyperactive disorder?"
tintumon: "JIMBALAKDI BAMBA"
professor: "i dont understand anything"
tintumon: "same 2 you"
Teacher: Write a C program to prevent TITANIC from sinking..
Tintumon:Declare the variable TITANIC as float…!