Jokes Random
The teacher of the Earth Science class
The teacher of the Earth Science class was lecturing on map reading. He spent the class explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes. Towards the end of class, the teacher asked his students, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude..." A student's voice broke the confused silence, and volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone, sir.
Call in sick
Bob calls in to his job:
"Hey, boss I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I'm not coming into work today."
The boss says:
"You know Bob I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."
2 hours later Bob calls:
"Boss, I did what you said and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house."
The biggest lie
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
Here and there
"Young man, where do you work?" the judge asked the defendant. "Here and there," said the man. "What do you do for living?" "This and that." "Take him away," said the judge. The man said, "Wait a minute! When will I get out?" The judge replied, "Sooner or later."
Fruit salad
Teacher: if you had 12 apples, 10 oranges, 5 pineapples, 15 strawberries, what would you have?
Student: A yummy fruit salad, Ma’am!
Homework
“Johnny, where’s your homework?” Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding
out her hand.
“My dog ate it,” was his solemn response.
“Johnny, I’ve been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?”
“It’s true, Miss Martin, I swear it is,” insisted Johnny. “I had to smear it with honey,
but I finally got him to eat it.”
Big people words
A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.
"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."
A Maths Poem
Is it a decimal or is it a fraction,
Should I divide or use subtraction?
Can anyone tell me what is this shape,
Do we use a ruler or maybe a tape?
One hundred centimetres make one metre,
How many millilitres to a litre?
Push the buttons on a calculator,
Teacher shouts ‘Use your brains!’ – you’ll need them later.
Three times six, find the factor,
(But not using a protractor)
Open Mind
By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.
Internet virus
Women are like internet viruses they enter your life, scan your pocket, edit your mind, download their problems, delete your smile...
Is There a Floppy Inside?
Customer : “You’ve got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print document but the computer won’t boot properly.”
Tech Support : “What does it say?”
Customer : “Something about an error and non-system disk.”
Tech Support : “Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?”
Dont be deceived
The ad in the local newspaper read: “Purebred Police Dog $25.”
Thinking that to be a great bargain, Mrs. Jones ordered the dog to be delivered.
The next day a van pulled up and left her the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen.
In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad. “What do you mean by calling that
mangy-mutt a purebred police dog?”
“Don’t be deceived by his looks, Ma’am,” he replied. “He works undercover.”
Poor Husband Joke
Sally walked in to the Dentist office to make an appointment. “How much do you charge to pull out a tooth?” She asked.” “It’s $130″, was the prompt reply. “$130!” gasped Sally, that’s ridiculous! There must be a way for you to go cheaper.” “Well,” said the Dentist thoughtfully, I suppose if we don’t numb it, we could knock off $30.” “Only $30?,” countered Sally, “that’s still $100, you’ve got to make it cheaper.” “Well,” said the Dentist after a long pause, “I suppose if we take it out with a wrench we could knock it down to $50.” “Perfect”, said Sally happily. “I would like to make an appointment for next Tuesday, for my husband Jack.”
A woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare
A woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her Will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered all over Bloomingdales. "Why Bloomingdales?" asked the rabbi. "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
Survey of book
A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman,
"Which book has helped you most in your life?"
The woman replied - "My husband's cheque book."
Rough draft
God made Man before Woman because you always make the rough draft before the final masterpiece.
Danger on the road
Little Tommy is about to leave for school. 'Be very careful on the road,' says his father. 'Don't you forget to look round twice when you cross.' 'Oh, daddy, you know I am always very careful,' he replies. 'But Tommy, I only mention this because mummy has gone to work by car today,' father says.
Why is the driver scared?
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said: “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”
The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”
