Jokes Random
My Puppy punched me in the eye
My puppy punched me in the eye.
My rabbit whacked my ear.
My ferret gave a frightful cry
and roundhouse kicked my rear.
My lizard flipped me upside down.
My kitten kicked my head.
My hamster slammed me to the ground
and left me nearly dead.
So my advice? Avoid regrets;
no matter what you do,
don't ever let your family pets
take lessons in kung fu.
Late to class
One girl comes late to class.
Professor : Why r u late?
Girl : One boy was following me sir boy following girl
Professor : So,what?
Girl : That boy was walking very slowly.
Neighbour
Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies?
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from?
Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.
An Identity Problem
Santa and Banta sitting in the bar at Raja Sansi Airport, Amritsar.
"I've come to meet my brother," said the Santa. "He's due to fly in from Canada in an hour's time. It's his first trip home in forty years."
"Will you be able to recognize him?" asked the Banta.
"I'm sure I won't," said Santa, "after all, he's been away for a long time."
"I wonder if he'll recognize you?" said the Banta.
"Of course he will," said Santa. "Sure, I haven't been away at all."
Radical procedure
After graduating from college, Joe was increasingly hampered by worse and worse headaches. By his 30th birthday, he decided to seek medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who could diagnose the problem.
"The good news is that I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked, but after the years of suffering, he decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was finally clear, and he felt like he needed a new beginning.
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see, size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the suit, and it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck." Sure enough, it was an exact fit.
As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see, 9-1/2 E." Again, the salesman was spot on.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop in the new shoes, and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see, 7-5/8." The hat fit perfectly.
Joe was feeling great. Finally, the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36."
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
Drive On
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were
clear; no car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the
windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back.
The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker
on the windshield."
The general said, "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have
orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on."
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new
at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"new
Executive decision
A hardworking female executive dies and meets St. Peter at the pearly gates and he says, "You've shown an outstanding aptitude for making business decisions. Choose whether you will go to heaven or to hell."
"I don't know!" she flounders.
"Tell you what," St. Peter says, "You can have 24 hours in heaven and 24 hours in hell. Then you have to decide where to spend eternity."
"Okay then," she says. "I'll start with heaven since I'm here already."
She goes in the pearly gates and makes some acquaintances. They have a nice walk among beautiful gardens. They have a nice quiet lunch. They have a nice stroll along a pristine, white, sandy beach looking out on brilliant blue ocean. At the end of the day she is shown to a nice room, and has a quiet meal on the balcony, looking out over the setting sun and the ocean. She marvels at the scenic beauty of heaven.
The next morning, St. Peter takes her to the fiery gates of hell and hands her off to Satan.
Satan takes her to a power breakfast given in her honor. Then she is escorted to a tennis club where she is greeted by her old boss, some co-workers, and previous business acquaintances. She plays a few sets of tennis and catches up on the gossip. At lunchtime her old boss takes her to a gourmet restaurant and she has an excellent meal with vintage wine.
After lunch he takes her to an exclusive golf course and they play 18 holes of golf. She runs into other business acquaintances and catches up on news and gossip.
After golf, he drops her at a spa where she is pampered and spoiled by beauty and body treatments. When she is finished at the spa, an acquaintance takes her shopping at designer stores. She picks out a fabulous evening gown, and Satan himself takes her to a huge party with drinking, dancing, gourmet food, and famous people.
At the end of the evening, a stretch limo drops her off at a five-star hotel. As she soaks in the Jacuzzi tub, and sips the complimentary champagne, she ponders eternity.
The next morning, she meets St. Peter at the pearly gates.
"Well, have you made your decision?" He asks.
"I've decided on hell," she announces.
"So be it." St Peter waves goodbye and she reappears before the fiery gates of hell.
Once inside she is teamed up with her old boss again, only this time everyone is wearing rags. They are filthy, diseased, malnourished, and living in a barren desert. They have to scrounge for food, water, clothing, even shade.
"What happened!?!" She exclaimed.
"Well," said her boss, "Yesterday you were a recruit. Today you are staff."
A guy walks past a mental hospital 13 13
A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "13.......13.......13.........13" the man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned '14.........14.........14.......14.'
Public via internet
I'm am not a great man I am just a man who has ideas and forces them on to the public via the Internet.
Medical samples
An old man and his wife went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked the man for a blood, urine and feces sample.
The man was slightly deaf and said, "What?"
The doctor said, "I need a blood, urine and feces sample."
The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled into his ear, "Sheldon, the doctor needs a pair of your underwear."
The Genius MS Santa
Microsoft, as usual in short of good software professional, places an ad in all world famous news papers for a single position who would be in charge of their next operating system Windows2000. This becomes scary news as the ad says interview would be conducted by Mr. Bill Gates. Microsoft receives only three applications as the outcome, from an American, Japanese and an Indian (of course you guessed it right, no one other than Santa). They are all invited to Microsoft HQ in Seattle for the interview.
Bill gates says, "I will ask you only one question and your answer should decide your fate".
All of them prepared to face Mr. Gates eagerly wait for the question.
Bill asks, "How do we achieve Windows2000 from Windows98?"
American & Japanese are puzzled and think over it and our guy Santa smiling and dancing in his chair says "balle balle" in mind.
After a while American answers, "Fix bugs in Windows98 for smooth transitions"
Bill shouts, "Get out of here...". The poor guy runs out.
The Japanese says, "Make Windows2000 more user friendly than Windows98".
Bill Gates screams, "get the hell out of here....".
Gates looks at Santa.
Santa giggles and says: "Rename Windows98, Windows2000".
Gates says "Balle, Balle, You got the job."
Turned fifty
Today I turned fifty.
I feel really good.
My body’s still working quite well, thanks. (Touch wood).
My hair’s not too grey, my wrinkles are few, I can still touch my toes with my knuckles. (Can you?)
I’m quite full of vigour, just getting ripe. (But they now print the phone book in much smaller type.)
My hearing’s still good.
What’s that you say?
Speak clearly, don’t mumble, your voice wafts away.
Inside this old body I’m still young, but then if life starts at forty, I’m really just ten.
My Friend Circle
Santa came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife, Jeeto, with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.
"Was it my friend Banta", he demanded.
"No !" his weeping wife replied.
"Was it my friend Ramta then?" he asked.
"No !!!" she said even more upset.
"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.
"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" Jeeto snapped.
America on Map
Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map.
Maria: This is it.
Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America?
Class: Maria did.
Banta shopping
Banta went to a grocery store while in America, collected the grocery and came to the counter and person at the counter started preparing bill for the items.
Banta asked, "Where is the fat ?"
Person didn`t understand what Banta was saying and said, "Excuse me sir, FAT?"
Banta: "Yes Fat, Give me the fat"
Banta started shouting and arguing with the person and all people gathered and Manager of that grocery stores came there and asked Banta about the problem.
Banta said, "Hey Manager look, I took a yogurt from your stores and it was written FAT FREE on that but this guy is not giving me the fat"
Military Rules
Marine Corps Rules:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot...
Navy SEAL's Rules:
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust Speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.
US Army Rangers Rules:
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.
US Army Rules:
1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly
5. Do not listen to 2nd Lieutenants. They can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.
US Air Force Rules:
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask "What is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" Power Point presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 1345 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.
US Navy Rules:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines
Drunk
Three drunks hailed a taxi. The driver - seeing that they were wasted - decided to pull a fast one. So he switched the engine on, then quickly switched it off and announced, "We're here!" The first guy handed him the fare, and said, "Thanks." But the third guy just angrily smacked the cabbie's head. "What was that for?" asked the cabbie, afraid that he'd been caught. "That," said the passenger, "is for driving too fast!"
Cinema tickets
A MAN appeared at the box office of a cinema and bought two tickets.
A few minutes later he returned and bought two more.
When, after a short interval, he appeared a third time and offered to pay for two more, the ticket-seller opened the little door in the glass and spoke up.
'Aren't you the same gentleman who just bought two tickets and two others just a little while ago?' she asked, puzzled. 'Yes,' replied Banta Singh plaintively,
'But there's some fool at the gate who keeps tearing them up!'
Little johnny make a sentence
Little Johnny's teacher asks him to make a sentence using the following words: defeat, deduct, defense and detail.
Little Johnny says, "De feet of de duck went over de fence before de tail."
