God greets Mother Teresa at the Pearly Gates. "Art thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" asks God. "I could eat," Mother Teresa replies.
So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread, and they share it. While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa happens to look down into Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, pastries and fine wines! Curious, but deeply trusting, Mother Teresa remains quiet.
The next day God again invites Mother Teresa to join him for a meal. Again, it is tuna and rye bread. Again, looking down, Mother Teresa can see the denizens of Hell enjoying caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates. Still Mother Teresa says nothing.
The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of tuna is opened! Mother Teresa cannot contain herself.
She says: "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious and holy life I led. But here in Heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! Forgive me, O God, but I just don't understand..."
God sighs. "Well, to be honest, Mother Teresa," God says, "....for just two people, does it pay to cook?"
"The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'."
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.
The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that."
She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"
Man: I could go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?
Man: I offer you myself.
Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts.
Man: I want to share everything with you.
Woman: Let's start from your bank account.
Rob and Tom apply for the same job. They take a written test. “You both got the same number of questions wrong,” the HR person tells them, “but Rob gets the job.”
“If we both got the same number of questions wrong, how come he gets the job?” Tom asks indignantly.
“Well,” says the HR person, “one of his incorrect answers was better than yours.”
“Whoa, how can that be?”
“For problem No. 46, Rob wrote, ‘I don’t know.’ You wrote, ‘Me neither.’”
Little Johnny was in science class. the professor was conducting an experiment to show the dangers of liquor. he had one glass of water and one glass of wine. so the professor starts the experiment and he sticks one worm in the water.. and its floating and looks happy. he sticks the other worm in the wine and it looks like it is struggling to breathe and then it sinks to the bottom and it is dead. so the professor asks" what was this suppose to teach you children" no one raises their hand to answer but the little Johnny raises his hand and says "drink liquor and you wont get worms"
(A guy at work asks girl out on a date, and since she like him a lot, She say yes. They agree to meet in this new restaurant after her shift’s done. Unfortunately it has snowed, and everything is covered in ice and snow. Girl get lost, and after driving around aimlessly, she decide to give up and go home. Girl realize she forgot to exchange numbers, so she can’t call to apologize. The next day…)
Guy: “Hey, where were you?!”
Girl: “I’m so sorry about that! I got lost because of the snow!”
Guy: “Well, why didn’t you call me to say that?”
Girl: “I don’t have your number.”
Guy: “Well you could’ve asked for it!”
Girl: “I’m sorry; I forgot.”
Guy: “Yeah. Sure you did! Just admit that you don’t think I’m hot!”
"When one person suffers from a delusion it is called insanity; when many people suffer from a delusion it is called religion."
Banta wanted to get his beautiful wife, Preeto, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone.
He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.
Preeto was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.
The next day Preeto went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was Banta on the other end.
"Hi Preeto," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"
Preeto replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."!
"What's that, sweetie?" asked Banta.
"How did you know I was at Sukhna Lake?"
Lord, you know I like to bake,
(I say it's for my family's sake),
Apple pies and cheesecake too,
And dumplings in the Irish stew.
Lord, you know I like to bake,
But I need to curb my intake,
Pavlova, a delicious sugary fluff,
I never seem to have enough.
Lord, you know I like to bake,
But cholesterol pills I now take,
These words I must never utter,
"Please pass me the cream and butter"
Lord, a special favour I shall ask,
It would only be a simple task,
You who changed water into wine,
Dissolve those calories when I dine!
There were these three guys. They had been walking for 3 days and were very tired. They found a hotel, rented a room and went to sleep. Then, this old guy comes in out of nowhere, and says there is a magic pool just outside their hotel room. He tells them "Ok, you must jump off the diving board, and yell out what you wanna land in."
So the three guys go over to the pool. The first guy, a vegetarian, yells out "Bananas!" and lands in a pool of bananas. The second guy was money hungry and yelled out "Money!" and lands in a pile of money. The third guy jumps, when a bird shits on his head, and he yells "Oh Shit!"
Two men debate whether Hawaii is pronounced "HaVaii" or "HaWaii."
They ask a passerby, who answers "Havaii."
"Thank you," says the satisfied first man.
"You're velcome," replies the passerby.
A man got a call from his doctor who said "I have some bad news and some terrible news, which would you rather hear first?"
The man says "The bad news."
The doctor says "The lab messed up your tests and when they re-did them, they found out you only have 48 hours to live!"
The man exclaimed "What could be more terrible than that!!??"
The doctor replied "we tried all day yesterday to get hold of you but your phone was busy!"
A man frantically speaks into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asks.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
Bob had been shopping downtown all day with his wife and four little children. They were all so tired, he decided to take a taxicab home.
Approaching a cab driver, he demanded, “How much will you charge to drive us to the Bronx?”
“I figure $5 apiece for you and your wife,” said the driver. “I’ll take the four kids along for nothing.”
Bob turned to his children and said, “Jump in kids, and have a nice ride home. Momma and I will take the subway.”
A blonde was taking helicopter lessons. The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing."
At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great. At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well.
Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground. The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?"
The blonde said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."
Teacher: Last night I had a dream that I ate a huge marshmallow.
Student: And what happened next?
Teacher: I woke up in the morning and found my pillow gone!!!
A young girl had been suffering from severe headaches and had tests run by her doctor. The doctor said, "I'm sorry miss, but you have a massive brain tumor."
The girl started crying and said to her mom, "I'm only 15 years old. I don't want to die."
The doctor said, "Well this is modern medicine. There is an experimental technique for a brain transplant, but it's expensive and not covered by insurance."
The girl's mother said, "Don't worry, dear. How much does it cost?"
The doctor replied, "Well, a male brain is $1,000,000 and the female brain is $25,000."
The mom said, "No problem. But why is the male brain more expensive then the female brain?" The doctor replied, "Because the female brain is USED!"
Santa Singh wanted to speak with his buddy Banta Singh and called him.
“Hello, is this Banta Singh?”
“No, who is this? Not sure who are you looking for.” came the reply.
Santa followed by saying – “Is this 212-100-1001?”
The guy replied, “Sorry, it’s not. You got 212-100-1002.”
Santa says – “Oh, I see. Can you please call Banta Singh from your next door?”