Rob and Tom apply for the same job. They take a written test. “You both got the same number of questions wrong,” the HR person tells them, “but Rob gets the job.”
“If we both got the same number of questions wrong, how come he gets the job?” Tom asks indignantly.
“Well,” says the HR person, “one of his incorrect answers was better than yours.”
“Whoa, how can that be?”
“For problem No. 46, Rob wrote, ‘I don’t know.’ You wrote, ‘Me neither.’”
"The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth."
Harris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Harris replied: "Just doing what you said, Doc. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."
The doctor said: "I didn't say that. I said, You've got a heart murmur - be careful."
My puppy likes the water.
My puppy likes to swim.
I've never seen a puppy
who swims as much as him.
He swims not on the surface,
but only underneath.
And maybe I should warn you,
he has very scary teeth.
Whenever people see him
they're frightened of his grin.
Or maybe it's his lack of fur.
Or maybe it's his fin.
If you should buy a puppy,
just get the kind that barks.
Don't be like me. I bought mine
at a store that just sells sharks.
A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird moses??" The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTWEILER "JESUS".
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.
Mother comes home from a business trip and asks her little son,. 'Well, Johnny, how did you get along with father while I was away?'
'Everything was fine, mum,' the little boy says. 'Daddy took me to the middle of the lake by boat every morning and I swam home alone.'
'Wasn't it too much for you to swim?'
'Oh, no, mum, the only problem was that I had to get out of the bag first.'
A priest and pastor from the local parishes were standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that read, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"
They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car. As the first driver sped past, he yelled, "Leave us alone...we don't believe in that religious stuff!"
From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. One clergyman said to the other, "Do you think we should just put up a sign that says, 'Bridge Out' instead?"
Teacher: What is the name of the capital city of Punjab ?
Pappu: Amritsar.
Teacher: Pappu, you are wrong, you need to focus more on your studies.
Pappu: Please madam, can I ask you a few questions.
Teacher: Yes, go ahead.
Pappu: Do you know Jeeto ?
Teacher: No.
Pappu: Do you know Preeto ?
Teacher: No.
Pappu: Do you know Banto?
Teacher: (Angry) Hell no! Who are all these people and why do you ask ?
Pappu: Teacher, you need to Focus more on your husband.
Man: I could go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?
Man: I offer you myself.
Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts.
Man: I want to share everything with you.
Woman: Let's start from your bank account.
Tax his land, tax his wage,
Tax his bed in which he lays.
Tax his tractor, tax his mule,
Teach him taxes is the rule
Tax his cow, tax his goat,
Tax his pants, tax his coat.
Tax his ties, tax his shirts,
Tax his work, tax his dirt
Tax his chew, tax his smoke,
Teach him taxes are no joke.
Tax his car, tax his grass,
Tax the roads he must pass
Tax his food, tax his drink,
Tax him if he tries to think.
Tax his sodas, tax his beers,
If he cries, tax his tears
Tax his bills, tax his gas,
Tax his notes, tax his cash.
Tax him good and let him know
That after taxes, he has no dough
If he hollers, tax him more,
Tax him until he's good and sore.
Tax his coffin, tax his grave,
Tax the sod in which he lays
Put these words upon his tomb,
"Taxes drove me to my doom!"
And when he's gone, we won't relax,
We'll still be after the inheritance tax
An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes.
When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?"
"Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream."
"Well," says the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it."
"My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem -- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down."
He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.
She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy with four young mothers.
"You all have obsessions.",The doctor observed.
To the 1st mother, he said,
"You are obsessed with eating. You've even named you're daughter 'Candy'."
He looks to the 2nd mother saying,
"Your obsession is with money.
Again, It manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He looks to the third mother 'n says,
"Your obsession is alcohol.
This manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point,
The 4th mother Gets up,
Takes her little boy by the hand 'n says to him, "Come on, Dick, We're leaving!"
Teacher to students: can anyone tell a word which has more than 1000 letters in it?
Sam suddenly stands up and said “postbox”!
Two Sardarjis were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying like anything. So the
other asked,”Why are you crying?”
The first one replied, “I came here for blood test.”
Second one asked, “So, are you afraid?”
First one replied, “No, not that during the blood test they cut my finger.”
Hearing this the second one started crying. The first one was astonished and asked other,
“Why are you crying?”
The other replied, “I have come for my urine test.”
Little Johnny's teacher asks him to make a sentence using the following words: defeat, deduct, defense and detail.
Little Johnny says, "De feet of de duck went over de fence before de tail."
There were these three guys. They had been walking for 3 days and were very tired. They found a hotel, rented a room and went to sleep. Then, this old guy comes in out of nowhere, and says there is a magic pool just outside their hotel room. He tells them "Ok, you must jump off the diving board, and yell out what you wanna land in."
So the three guys go over to the pool. The first guy, a vegetarian, yells out "Bananas!" and lands in a pool of bananas. The second guy was money hungry and yelled out "Money!" and lands in a pile of money. The third guy jumps, when a bird shits on his head, and he yells "Oh Shit!"
A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss were on their way to a lunch meeting. In the taxi, they found a lamp. The boss rubbed it, and a genie appeared. ''I'll grant you one wish each,'' the genie said.
Grabbing the lamp from his boss, the eager senior manager shouted, ''I want to be on a fast boat in the Bahamas with no worries.'' And, poof, he was gone.
The junior manager couldn't keep quiet. He shouted, ''I want to be in California, with beautiful girls, food and cocktails.'' And, poof, he was gone.
Finally, it was the boss's turn. ''I want those idiots back in the office after lunch.''
An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked.
The Doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and
meanwhile there's a simple, informal test the husband
could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions
of the problem.
"Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from
her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and
see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet,
and so on until you get a response."
So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner,
and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
"Honey, what's for supper?" No response.
So he moves to the other end of the room, about
30 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response.
So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away.
"Honey, what's for supper?" No response.
On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey,
what's for supper?". No response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for
supper?"
"For the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!!!!"