Jokes Random

MAD COW CONCERN

A husband and wife go to a restaurant. The waiter approaches the table to take their order.


"I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak," says the husband.

"But sir, what about the mad cow?" asks the waiter.

"Oh," says the husband, "she'll order for herself."

Do you love your husband

There was a group of women gathered at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband. The women were asked, 'How many of you love your husbands?'
All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, 'When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?'
Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn't remember..
The women were then told to take their cell phones and send the following text to their respective husband: I love you, sweetheart.
Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages.
Here are some of the replies:
1. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?
2. What now? Did you crash the car again?
3. I don't understand what you mean?
4. What did you do now? I won't forgive you this time!!!
5. ?!?
6. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
7. Am I dreaming? ???????
8. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, you will die today...!!!
9. I asked you not to drink anymore!!
and the best one
10. Who is this?

Daddys age

Man: How old is your father? Boy: He is eight years old. Man: What? Boy: Because he became father when I was born eight years ago.

BEAUTIFUL?

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.

A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You're cute!” Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”

A well dressed business man was walking

A well dressed business man was walking down the street when a little kid covered in soot said to him respectfully, "Sir, can you tell me the time?" The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, "It is a quarter to three, young man." "Thanks," said the boy. "At exactly three o'clock you can kiss my ass." With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him. He had not been running long when an old friend stopped him. "Why are you running like this at your age?" asked the friend. Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said, "That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his ass!" "So what's your hurry," said the friend. "You still have ten minutes."

Chemistry Experiment

A boy comes home after school. His granny asks him: 'Well, tell me Jimmy, in what activities have you been engaged today?'
'Granny, you won't believe it! In chemistry class we've conducted experiments with explosives.'
'Oh, and what are you doing tomorrow at school?'
'At what school, granny?'

Bad news

The patient says, "Give me the bad news first!"
Doctor replies, "You've got AIDS."
"Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" asks the patient.
"You've also got Alzheimer's Disease."
Looking relieved the patient says, "Oh...Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS."

Richest people

"Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work."

Santas Dream

Once Santa kept having the same weird dream everynight, so he went to a doctor.

Doctor: What was your dream about?

Santa: I was being chased by a vampire!

Doctor: (giggles quitely) So... what is the scenery like?

Santa: I was running in a hall way.

Doctor: Then what happened?

Santa: Well that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge!

Doctor: Does the door have any letters on it?

Santa: Yes it did.

Doctor: And what did these letter spell?

Santa: It said "Pull"

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. 

"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!" 

"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

Three fools

One day three children went to a herbalist,"we want a charm that will help us to write our Examination, said the children. The herbalist agreed! But the taboo in the charm i want to give you is that while going you must not talk to one another till you get home."

OK! said the children. When they left the herbalist's house, they took a taxi going to Abeokuta. On their way going,one of the girls stepped on another girl and the girl replied: can't you see that you are matching my toes?" the other girl said: have you forgotten that the herbalist said we should not talk?" then the third girl said: Thank God 0o, i did not talk.

One day these two fine southern ladies

One day these two fine southern ladies were sittin' on the front porch having some iced tea. One of the women sticks out her hand for the other woman to see, and in her long southern drawl says "Look at this ring my husband gave me. Isn't it nice?" To which the other woman replies, "Oh that's nice, that's real nice." The first woman then says , "And just last month he took me on one of them Caribbean cruises." The second woman again replies, "Oh that's nice, that's real nice." "Well sweetheart doesn't your husband ever buy you nice things or send you nice places?" "Oh", the second woman responds, "When we first got married he did send me to etiquette school." "Why'd he do that?" the first woman asks. To which the second fine southern woman replies, "Well you see, before, when someone told me about the jewellery their husband gave them, or the trips he sent her on, I would have just said I don't give a fuck, but now I say that's nice, that's real nice."

This is why I didn't show up for work yesterday

This is why I didn't show up for work yesterday. I was cleaning out my wife's grandpa's cellar and found 12 bottles of his home-bottled grape wine under the steps. My wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I agreed to do the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork form the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle, did likewise, and drank one glass, just to check the taste to see if the old fellow knew his wine making. He did. 

I then opened the third bottle, and poured it, too, down the sink, but not until drinking one full glass to check the purity. It was very good. I did this, also with the fourth bottle. One glass for myself, and the rest down the sink. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle, then corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. 

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by I counted them again, and finally had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I felt so foolish that I couldn't go upstairs and congratulate my wife to tell her what a great winemaker her grandpa was. I will do that after climbing the basement steps the next time they come by.

Back to office

A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss were on their way to a lunch meeting. In the taxi, they found a lamp. The boss rubbed it, and a genie appeared. ''I'll grant you one wish each,'' the genie said.

Grabbing the lamp from his boss, the eager senior manager shouted, ''I want to be on a fast boat in the Bahamas with no worries.'' And, poof, he was gone.

The junior manager couldn't keep quiet. He shouted, ''I want to be in California, with beautiful girls, food and cocktails.'' And, poof, he was gone.

Finally, it was the boss's turn. ''I want those idiots back in the office after lunch.''

Any Way For Long Life

 Man : Is there any way for long life?

Doctor : Get married.

Man : Will it help?

Doctor : No the thought of long life will never come

 

Friendship

Your friendship means so much to me that... When you cry, I cry. When you laugh, I laugh. When you jump out a window, I laugh some more.

Boy love vs Girl love

When a Guy does Something
Wrong…
Girl : You broke my Favorite
Lamp !!!
Boy : It was an Accident… I didn’t
mean to..!!
Girl : I can’t believe you did this.
Boy : I’m Sorry.. !!

When a Girl does Something
Wrong…
Boy : You Lost My Dog??!!!
Girl : It was an Accident… I didn’t
mean to..!!
Boy : I can’t believe you did this.
Girl : I already feel bad about it..!!
Stop making me feel Worse..!!
Boy : I’m Sorry.. !!

Idiot

Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No

 

Nice logic

Santa: What's the name of our PM?
Pappu: We don't have a PM in our country.

Santa: Shut up! Tell me the name of our PM?
Pappu: Okay dad, first you tell me the model no. of our typewriter?

Santa: We don't have a typewriter.
Pappu: We have one in the store-room.

Santa: Oh... that one. We do have but that's not of any use why should I remember it's model no?
Pappu: My point exactly.

 

A young couple gets married

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.

She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But what about the $1,000?" He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them"