A young Marine officer was in a serious car accident, but the only visible permanent injury was to both of his ears, which were amputated.
Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the Marine and actually rose to the rank of General. He was, however very sensitive about his appearance.
One day the General was interviewing three Marines for his personal aide.
The first was an aviator, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" The young officer answered," why yes, sir. I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears." The general got very angry at the lack of tact and threw him out.
The second interview was with a female Lieutenant, and she was even better. The General asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" She replied, "Well, sir, you have no ears." The General threw her out also.
The third interview was with a Marine Gunny. He was articulate, looked extremely sharp and seemed to know more than the two officers combined (surprise). The General wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise the Gunny said, "Yes sir; you wear contacts lenses." The General was very impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant Gunny, and he didn't mention my ears.
"And how do you know that I wear contacts?" The General asked. The sharp-witted Gunny replied, "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears."
Two Sardarjis, both student of I.I.T, Kanpur, were talking about the American Astronauts.
One said to the other, "What's the big deal about going to the moon-anybody can go to the
moon.
We are sardars we will go direct to the sun."
"But if we get within 13 million miles from the sun, we'll melt."
And the first answered, "So what, we'll go at night."
Patient: Doctor, I think that I've been bitten by a vampire.
Doctor: Drink this glass of water.
Patient: Will it make me better?
Doctor: No, I but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks.
Mother to Johnny: “how was your exam, is all questions difficult?”
Johnny: “No mom, all the questions were simple, It was the answers which gave me all the trouble”!
A three-year old walks over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in a doctor’s surgery. “Why is your stomach so big?” – he asks. “I´m having a baby.” – she replies. “Is the baby in your stomach?” – he asks, with his big eyes. “Yes, it is.” – she says. “Is it a good baby?” – he asks, with a puzzled look. “Oh, yes. A really good baby.” – the lady replies. Shocked and surprised, he asks: “Then why did you eat him?”
There was a couple…the lady was very talkative and she kept talking with people on the phone hour after hour when she is alone at home.
End of everymonth they used to get a massive telephone bill and the husband was so worried on this.
One day they were dining at the table and the phone rang..
The lady’s reaction was immediate…she ran to the phone and started chatting..
After about 30-min she hang up and came back to the table.
The husband was happy that she hang up in 30 min which was a good sign where she normally doesn’t hung up at least for 2-hours. So he happily inquired…was she busy to hang up so early???
No..it was a wrong number.. replied the lady..
Lady: Is this my train?
Station Master: No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady: Don’t try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi.
Station Master: No Madam, I’m afraid it’s too heavy.
A man was chosen for jury duty who really wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench.
"Your Honor," he said, "I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said 'He's a crook! He's guilty!' So, your Honor, I cannot possibly stay on this jury!"
With a tired annoyance the judge replied, "Get back in the jury box, you fool. That man is the defendant's lawyer."
A family took a trip to Disney World. After three exhausting days, they headed home. As they drove away, the son waved and said, “Goodbye, Mickey.”
The daughter waved and said, “Goodbye, Minnie.”
The husband waved, rather weakly, and said, “Goodbye, Money.”
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.
The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that."
She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"
Santa was visiting the big city for the first time. He checks in at the hotel, and the bell boy takes his bags. He follows the boy, and as the door closes, he looks around and shakes his fist at him.
`Young man, I may be from the village and unfamiliar with the city, but that don`t mean I`m stupid! I paid good money, and this room won`t do at all! It`s too small, and without proper ventilation! Why there`s not even a bed!`
The bellboy looks at Santa and says, `Sir, this isn`t your room, it`s the elevator!`
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were
clear; no car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the
windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back.
The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker
on the windshield."
The general said, "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have
orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on."
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new
at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"new
Banta wanted to get his beautiful wife, Preeto, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone.
He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.
Preeto was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.
The next day Preeto went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was Banta on the other end.
"Hi Preeto," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"
Preeto replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."!
"What's that, sweetie?" asked Banta.
"How did you know I was at Sukhna Lake?"
Teacher: Last night I had a dream that I ate a huge marshmallow.
Student: And what happened next?
Teacher: I woke up in the morning and found my pillow gone!!!
A mechanic noticed his co-worker drinking brake fluid at lunch.
"What are you doing, man? You can't drink that stuff!"
"Relax," replied his co-worker, "this stuff tastes pretty good, and I don't drink it all the time."
"Seriously," the mechanic exclaimed, "that brake fluid is poison!"
"Hey, man" yelled the co-worker, "back off! I can stop any time I want."
A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Von Bernuth, and sat down to explain his problem. "Doctor, doctor!" he started. "No need to repeat yourself, my good man," replied the doctor. "One 'doctor' is enough." "Yes, well, you see, I've got this problem," the man continued. "I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. A large, white, hairy Pyrenees mountain dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!"
"A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Come over here and lie down on the couch." "Oh no, Doctor. I'm not allowed up on the furniture."
A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding them missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in his recently completed carpet-installation. Not wanting to rip up all that work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump flat. He decides to forgo the break continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted.
At the end of the day he's completed his work and loading his tools into his trucks when two events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house calls out "Have you seen my parakeet?"
Person turns on the computer without a keyboard plugged in. When she turns on the computer, the computer finds out that there is no keyboard attached and it gives a "Keyboard Error" message. She then asks "Why did it give me a keyboard error? There isn't even a keyboard attached?