Jokes Random

Surprised pregnant woman

A three-year old walks over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in a doctor’s surgery. “Why is your stomach so big?” – he asks. “I´m having a baby.” – she replies. “Is the baby in your stomach?” – he asks, with his big eyes. “Yes, it is.” – she says. “Is it a good baby?” – he asks, with a puzzled look. “Oh, yes. A really good baby.” – the lady replies. Shocked and surprised, he asks: “Then why did you eat him?”

Life

Life can be funny and serious. We either laugh over it or cry over it. But Life itself doesn't care about such reactions. It goes on.

The Dentist

I have some bad news,"
Said the dentist to me,
"You've got not just one...

Not two...

And not three...

You've got four teeth,

That I need to remove,
To pull from your mouth,
I'm sure mom will approve..."
"NOOOO!" I screamed,
"You won't get not one!

I need all my teeth,
Like a tree needs the sun.

You won't get one tooth,
From out of my head,
I'll keep my mouth closed,
From now until bed!!!"
The dentist just smiled,
"We do have our way,
To get a kid's teeth,
Anytime of the day!"

So there in the chair,
I closed my mouth tight,
And stared down that dentist.
I'd put up a fight...
He took out a machine,
That had a pink feather,

And it tickled my face,
Like misty cool weather...
I started to laugh,
And when my mouth opened wide,
That man grabbed my tooth,
And pulled it outside...
"Ouch!" I yelled,
With a pain in my gum,
You mean, mean, mean dentist,
You aren't my chum!
He got one,

But that's all,
He wouldn't get more,
And I slammed my mouth closed,
Like the wind slams a door.
But then the cruel Dentist,
Brought out a machine,
With jaws of its own,
And he laughed really mean...
And the machine tried to pry,
My jaws by the bones!
But I wouldn't let in,
I wouldn't let it get home..
I kept my mouth shut,
Like a door locked at night,

I wouldn't open it up,
I wasn't losing this fight!
I protected my teeth,
Like a dog does its food,

Have my teeth pulled?
No thanks- Not in the mood!
He called in the nurse,
And she started to say,
I wasn't leaving the office,

Until the doc got his way...
"No way!" I cried,
"I'm outta this chair,"
But the nurse said I'd better,
Just stay right there.
I tried to get up,
I tried to escape,
But the nurse held me down,
She was strong like an ape...

The dentist then asked me,
To say just one "Ahhh.."
I laughed,
Closed my eyes,
And just said one, "Hah!"
The dentist got mad,
Mad in a fury.
I was sitting on trial,
And he was the jury...

The judge,

The jailer,

The master of mean,

Then he went out,
And brought another machine...
"This one is made,"
He said,
"For kids just like you,
I only have one,

But I wish I had two!"

I saw the machine with its pincer type tool,

And I screamed out my loudest,
"You must think I'm a fool!!! "
And then I wished,
And I hoped,
And I pleaded above,
To be out of that chair,
That I just didn't love...
I wished so hard,
That it soon became true,
And I was home in my pyjamas,
Which were furry and blue...
Was it a dream? I asked,
As I lay in my bed,
And began to count how many teeth,
I still had in my head...

Devil in the Hell

A man in Hell asked Devil.

Can I make a call to my wife?

After making a call he asked how much to pay.

Devil: Nothing, Hell to Hell is Free.

 

Football fan

A man walks into a bar with a dog on a lead. The dog is wearing an England shirt. The barman nods and asks what he wants. 'A pint, please,' the man replies. He sets the dog down and starts watching the game on TV. When the local team score a goal, the dog goes jerking and dancing round the bar and doing back flips.
'Wow,' the barman says, clearly impressed. 'What does he do when we win?'
'I don't know, I've only had him for five years,' the man replies.

DAVID'S BROTHER DAVID

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"

"Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David," she answered.

"They're all named David?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'David,' and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, 'David, come eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!" 

Befooled

Once Banta went to Bombay. While passing through a road he saw a very high building. He was amazed to see it, and decided to count its stories. As he was doing so a townsman saw him and tried to befool him.

So he approached Banta and asked, “What are you doing?”

When he told the answer, the townsman said that one had to pay two rupees for every storey counted.

“How many have you counted?”

Banta said ten and gave the man twenty rupees. Walking away Banta was very happy to think how he has befooled the other man for he had counted twenty.

 

Banta shopping

Banta went to a grocery store while in America, collected the grocery and came to the counter and person at the counter started preparing bill for the items.
Banta asked, "Where is the fat ?"
Person didn`t understand what Banta was saying and said, "Excuse me sir, FAT?"
Banta: "Yes Fat, Give me the fat"
Banta started shouting and arguing with the person and all people gathered and Manager of that grocery stores came there and asked Banta about the problem.
Banta said, "Hey Manager look, I took a yogurt from your stores and it was written FAT FREE on that but this guy is not giving me the fat"

 

The exam

Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination.
He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes,

and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window.

He then removes his turban and throws it away as well. His shirt, pant, socks and watch

follow suit.

The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.

Oye, I am only following the instructions 'Answer in brief'.

Question paper in year 2050

Question Paper in year 2050:
1. Name the cities of Pakistan where Electricity is found.
2. How does Sugar taste? Explain in your Own words.
3. Draw a Neat and Labeled Diagram of a Suicide Jacket.
4. In Ancient Times, What was Petrol Used for? Support your answer with examples

Involvement vs commitment

"The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'."

School teachers note

An elementary school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school.

"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I will promise not to believe everything your child says happens at home.

Train Ticket

In a train, ticket checker to a saint: Ticket please! 
Saint: I don't have. 
TT: Where do you want to go? 
Saint: Lord Ram's birth place, Ayodhya! 
TT: Come, lets go! 
Saint: Where? 
TT: Lord Krishna'a birth place, Jail.  

Money well spent

Santa walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Was I in here last night?"

"You certainly were," replies the bartender.

"And did I spend a lot of money?" Santa asked.

"You spent over Rs. 10000," replies the bartender.

"Thank god for that," says Santa, "I thought I'd wasted it."

Redneck birth control Cherrybomb

A man and and a woman from Alabama don't want any more children because they already have 11. So the husband goes to a doctor in Ohio. The doctor asks, "What state are you from?

The man say,s "Alabama." The doctor tells him to go home, put a lit cherry bomb in an empty soda can, hold it in his hand, and count to 10. The husband isn't so sure of this, so he goes to another doctor, this time in California.

When that doctor finds out that the husband is from Alabama, he tells him the exact same thing that the doctor in Ohio told him. The husband figures that the doctors must be right.

So he goes home, puts a lit cherry bomb in a soda can, and starts to count. ''1...2...3...4...5...'' The husband takes the soda can and puts it between his legs to continue counting on his fingers on his right hand. ''6...7...8...9...''

Firing the slacker

Harley Davidson, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $1,600 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that f*cking slacker did here?"
From across the room came a voice: "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

Bus conductor and Passenger

Bus conductor: Why are taking two tickets?
Passenger: Because if i lose one that second ticket will save me.
Conductor: what if you lose both?
Passenger: Listen, I am not a fool. I already have my Pass with me.!!!

Mail

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box.

She opened it, slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house and again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, “YOU’VE GOT MAIL!”

Idiot

Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No

 

Difference between Complete n Finished

No English Dictionary Has Been Able To Explain
The Difference Between The Two Words COMPLETE And FINISHED,

In A Way That's Easy To Understand.
Some People Say
There Is No Difference Between COMPLETE & FINISHED.

I Beg To Differ Because,
There Is : When You Marry The Right Woman,
You Are "COMPLETE"...
And
When You Marry The Wrong One,
You Are "FINISHED"!
And
When The Right One Catches You With The Wrong One,
You Are ..."COMPLETELY FINISHED" !