Jokes Random

Money well spent

Santa walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Was I in here last night?"

"You certainly were," replies the bartender.

"And did I spend a lot of money?" Santa asked.

"You spent over Rs. 10000," replies the bartender.

"Thank god for that," says Santa, "I thought I'd wasted it."

DAVID'S BROTHER DAVID

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"

"Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David," she answered.

"They're all named David?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'David,' and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, 'David, come eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!" 

Mouse trap

Santa: I'm in a big trouble!

Banta: Why is that?

Santa: I saw a mouse in my house!

Banta: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.

Santa: I don't have one.

Banta: Well then, buy one.

Santa: Can't afford one.

Banta: I can give you mine if you want.

Santa: That sounds good.

Banta: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap.

Santa: I don't have any cheese.

Banta: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.

Santa: I don't have oil.

Banta: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.

Santa I don't have bread.

Banta: Then what the hell is that mouse doing at your house???

Post box

Teacher to students: can anyone tell a word which has more than 1000 letters in it?
Sam suddenly stands up and said “postbox”!

 

What a relief

Banta tripped on the stairs and broke his leg. The doctor put a cast on it and warned that he wasn't to use the stairs until the cast came off.

The weeks later he removed the cast and pronounced him well on the way to recovery.

"Oh good," Banta responded. "Is it all right for me to walk the stairs now?"

"Yes," said the doctor, "if you promise to be careful."

"I can't tell you what a relief it will be," he sighed. "It was such a nuisance crawling outside and shinnying up and down that drainpipe all the time!"

Female tear

There is nothing more expensive than a single drop of a female/girl tear!
When a tear falls, it first mixes with 'MAC' eyeliner and 'Maybelline' mascara;
Then it comes down to the cheek, it mixes with "La Femme" blusher;
And in case it touches the lips, it gets mixed with 'Lancome' lipstick;
This means that a single drop is worth at least Rs 15000!

New job

Bobby walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!"

The bartender says, "Well, seems you're in a really good mood tonight, hmm?"

Bobby says, "Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!"

The bartender congratulates him and proceeds to pour the round.

Monday evening arrives and Bobby comes back into the bar and says, "Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!"

The bartender says, "Well now! If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your paycheck!"

Bobby looks at the bartender with a wondrous look on his face, pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says, "You mean they'll PAY me too?"

Soldier to General

Soldier to General: Sir! A small enemy group is attacking..

General: Quickly bring me my red shirt..

"After Enemies Defeat"

Soldier: Sir why the red shirt?

General: In red shirt if i got shot, my soldiers would'nt see my blood so they wont b discouraged..

Soldier: Sir 100 enemy tanks are attacking..

General: Hurry up! Bring me My Yellow Trousers...

Longitude and Latitude

A teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose

I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15

minutes east longitude…?”

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”

Be Careful

Harris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Harris replied: "Just doing what you said, Doc. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."

The doctor said: "I didn't say that. I said, You've got a heart murmur - be careful."

Mother Teresa

God greets Mother Teresa at the Pearly Gates. "Art thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" asks God. "I could eat," Mother Teresa replies.

So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread, and they share it. While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa happens to look down into Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, pastries and fine wines! Curious, but deeply trusting, Mother Teresa remains quiet.

The next day God again invites Mother Teresa to join him for a meal. Again, it is tuna and rye bread. Again, looking down, Mother Teresa can see the denizens of Hell enjoying caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates. Still Mother Teresa says nothing.

The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of tuna is opened! Mother Teresa cannot contain herself.

She says: "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious and holy life I led. But here in Heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! Forgive me, O God, but I just don't understand..."

God sighs. "Well, to be honest, Mother Teresa," God says, "....for just two people, does it pay to cook?"

A better warranty

An angry motorist went back to a garage where he’d purchased an expensive battery for his car six months earlier.

“Listen,” the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, “when I bought that battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!”

“Sorry,” apologized the garage owner. “I didn’t think your car would last longer than that.”

Devil in the Hell

A man in Hell asked Devil.

Can I make a call to my wife?

After making a call he asked how much to pay.

Devil: Nothing, Hell to Hell is Free.

 

Bubba was from the lower valley

Bubba was from the lower valley, and he decided he wanted to get married to his sweetheart. So, while enjoying some grits and gravy for dinner one evening, Bubba brought up the subject with his Ma and Pa. "Bubba, you can't get married yet," insisted Ma. "You're the baby of the family." "But Ma," Bubba protested, "I just had my 38th birthday last week." "We know that, Bubba," Pa chimed, "but your Ma and me think you should put off getting married until after you graduate from high school."

The good old days

Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular to his grandson.

"When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, a magazine, and some new blue jeans... all for a dollar!!"

Grandson, "You can't DO that anymore..... they got those darn video cameras everywhere you look."

BLONDE'S HELICOPTER LESSON

A blonde was taking helicopter lessons. The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing."

At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great. At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well.

Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground. The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?"


The blonde said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."

Problem with gas

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.

The next week the lady goes back to his office. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly!"

The doctor says, "Good, Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

A worm in my pocket

One rainy day on my way home from school,
I found a big worm and thought it was cool.

I picked up the worm with my bare hand,
held it up high thinking how grand!

The worm was so cute and wiggled a lot,
I put him in my pocket to show Mom what I'd caught.

What will she say when I show her my find?
Will she let me keep it? I hope she won't mind.

Mom was in the kitchen when I showed her what I'd found.
She screamed, "No, way! Put it back in the ground!"

Now I'm so angry, she always says "No",
If she won't let me keep it, then I will just go!

So me and my worm packed a sandwich or two,
ran out the door and down the street we both flew.

We walked to the park and sat on a bench,
I pulled out my worm and noticed a stench.

He looked kind of floppy, but wiggled a bit,
I thought, "Oh my Gosh, my worm is not fit!"

I laid him in the dirt and let him go free.
I guess that my pocket was not the best place to be.

Radio

Sardar: U cheated me.
Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to u.
Sardar: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says this is 'All India Radio! '

Polish remover

 A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well. One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, “Very quick”!

The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions:

LAWYER: “Have you any grounds?”
POLE: An acre and half, and a nice 3 bedroom house.

LAWYER: “No, I mean what is the foundation of the case?”
POLE: “It is made of concrete, bricks & mortar.”

LAWYER: Does either of you have a real grudge?”
POLE: No, We have a carport and don’t need a grudge.

LAWYER: “I mean, what are your relations like?”
POLE: “All my relations live in Poland.”

LAWYER: “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
POLE: “Yes, we have hi-fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound.

LAWYER: “No, I mean does your wife beat you up?”
POLE: “No, I’m always up before her.”

LAWYER: “Why do you want this divorce?”
POLE: “She going to kill me!”

LAWYER: “What makes you think that?”

LAWYER: “What kind of proof?”

POLE: “She going to poison me. She buy bottle at drug store and I read label. It say “Polish Remover”