Doctor Jokes

Favourite Patients

4 surgeons sat around discussing their favourite patients type.

1st surgeon says, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order."

2nd surgeon says, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everything is in numerical order."

3rd surgeon says, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up, everything is color coded."

The 4th surgeon says, "I like operating on politicians."

The other three surgeons look at each other in disbelief.

The 4th surgeon continues, "Because they're heartless, gutless, spineless, and the butts and brains are interchangeable."

Patient's Dilemma

A woman called up the hospital and said, "I want to know if the patient Rita Brown in Room No 1438 is getting better,"

The RMO replied, "She is doing very well. She had her first solid meal today, her blood pressure is fine and if she continues improving she might even be sent home in a couple of days."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful news!"

RMO: I take it you must be a family member or a close friend!

Woman: No I am Rita Brown. No one tells me anything!

Exam

Mother to Johnny: “how was your exam, is all questions difficult?”
Johnny: “No mom, all the questions were simple, It was the answers which gave me all the trouble”!

Pregnant wife

A man frantically speaks into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor asks.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

Old people and nastiness

A very old couple wanted to have children, so they went to their doctor and told him their problem. The doctor gave the couple a tiny jar and told them to fill it up. About a week later, the couple came back.

"I tried with my right hand until it gave out, and I tried with my left hand until it gave out," said the man.

"And I tried with both hands until they gave out," said the woman. "And we still can't get the lid off the jar."

English patient

An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.

The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said:

YOU WANKER -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!!!

Smart Doctor

A young woman wasn't feeling well, and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician.

"I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that."

The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced. "I'm back!"

Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."

Be Careful

Harris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Harris replied: "Just doing what you said, Doc. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."

The doctor said: "I didn't say that. I said, You've got a heart murmur - be careful."

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