Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas.
At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
“I pray for a new bicycle!”
“I pray for a new Nintendo!”
“I pray for a new VCR!”
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, “Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn’t deaf.“
To which the little brother replied, “No, but Grandma is!“
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, at the altar, amidst an explosion of fire, Satan appears! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.
Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.
Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"
The man says, "Yep, sure do."
Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"
The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."
Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"
"Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years, how bad could you be?"
But Fred died recently. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend, Jody, and says, "Well, I'm sure Fred would be pleased."
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"
"All of it?" said Helen. "Thirty thousand."
"Really?" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
Helen answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."
Jody says, "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My goodness, how big is it ?!"
"Two and a half carats."
One rainy day on my way home from school,
I found a big worm and thought it was cool.
I picked up the worm with my bare hand,
held it up high thinking how grand!
The worm was so cute and wiggled a lot,
I put him in my pocket to show Mom what I'd caught.
What will she say when I show her my find?
Will she let me keep it? I hope she won't mind.
Mom was in the kitchen when I showed her what I'd found.
She screamed, "No, way! Put it back in the ground!"
Now I'm so angry, she always says "No",
If she won't let me keep it, then I will just go!
So me and my worm packed a sandwich or two,
ran out the door and down the street we both flew.
We walked to the park and sat on a bench,
I pulled out my worm and noticed a stench.
He looked kind of floppy, but wiggled a bit,
I thought, "Oh my Gosh, my worm is not fit!"
I laid him in the dirt and let him go free.
I guess that my pocket was not the best place to be.
Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor.
Which one picked it up?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!
One Sunday, little David is with his parents on a boat on the river Thames. His dad asks him, “What do you think sea monsters eat, David?”
“I don’t know, dad.”
“Fish and ships.”
A Wife Hit Her Husband With Frying Pan:
Husband: What was that for?
Wife: I found a paper in your Pocket, with the name Jenny on it.
Husband: I played a Race last week and Jenny was the name of my Horse.
Wife: Sorry!
Next day, Wife again hit him with the Frying Pan.
Husband: Why?
Wife: Your Horse is on the Phone.