When I was younger I hated going to weddings... it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are camping together. When they go to sleep, Sherlock says, 'Tell me what you can see when you're looking up?'
'Thousands of stars,' says Watson.
'And what's your conclusion from all this?'
Dr Watson starts to think. 'If I consider it from astrological aspects,' he says slowly, 'I must assume that there are millions and millions of stars and galaxies in the universe. From psychological points of view I conclude that we're so infinitely small in comparison with God's overall creation. And if meteorology is concerned, I would say that we can expect fine weather tomorrow. What's your opinion?'
'You're a fool, Watson,' Holmes says. 'Our tent has been stolen.'
Bob had been shopping downtown all day with his wife and four little children. They were all so tired, he decided to take a taxicab home.
Approaching a cab driver, he demanded, “How much will you charge to drive us to the Bronx?”
“I figure $5 apiece for you and your wife,” said the driver. “I’ll take the four kids along for nothing.”
Bob turned to his children and said, “Jump in kids, and have a nice ride home. Momma and I will take the subway.”
A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, “Mama, I don’t want to go out there. It’s dark.”
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. “You don’t have to be afraid of the dark,” she explained. “God is out there. He’ll look after you and protect you.”
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, “Are you sure he’s out there?”
“Yes, I’m sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him,” she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, “God? If you’re out there, would you please hand me the broom?”
A woman goes to her boyfriend’s parents’ house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.
Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn’t loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend’s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman’s feet and said in a rather stern voice, “Skippy!”.
The woman thought, “This is great!” and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn’t even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.
The father again looked and the dog and yelled, “Dammit Skippy!”
Once again the woman smiled and thought “Yes!”. A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn’t even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing! Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, “Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she poops on you!”
Banta got tired of being the butt of jokes and decided to do his PhD.
While looking out for a unique subject to write his thesis on he saw a cockroach walking around.
Banta placed the cockroach on the table and cut one of its legs. And he said to him, "WALK!”
The cockroach moves forward.
Then Banta cut its second leg and shouted, "WALK!"
The cockroach manages to move forward.
Banta then cut its third leg and commanded, "WALK!" The cockroach manages to wriggle forward on one leg.
Finally Banta cut its fourth leg and shouted, "WALK !".
The poor cockroach could not move and lay helplessly on the table.
Banta repeated the same experiment with over a thousand cockroaches. And he found all results matched.
Banta was jubilant, "Now ! My thesis is ready!"
He proceeds to write down the subject: "When All Four Legs of A Cockroach Are Cut it becomes Deaf !"
Why? Gumnazein (a slightly different transliteration from the Greek) came to mean "train, practice" after gumnos "naked", because it was common in ancient Greece for athletes to train with no clothes on.