Santa noticed that Banta was looking depressed, and asked what was wrong.
"Well," said Banta, "I ran afoul of one of those awkward questions women ask. Now I'm in deep trouble at home."
"What kind of question?" asked Santa.
"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she gets old, fat and wrinkly."
"That's easy," said Santa. "You just say 'Of course I will.'"
"Yeah," said Banta, "That's what I did, except I said 'Of course I DO...'"
A well dressed business man was walking down the street when a little kid covered in soot said to him respectfully, "Sir, can you tell me the time?" The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, "It is a quarter to three, young man." "Thanks," said the boy. "At exactly three o'clock you can kiss my ass." With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him. He had not been running long when an old friend stopped him. "Why are you running like this at your age?" asked the friend. Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said, "That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his ass!" "So what's your hurry," said the friend. "You still have ten minutes."
Little Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt.
Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."
The next day, the pastor was over at Emily's family's house for lunch.
He mentioned having his head hurt, to which Emily immediately replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."
Man: I could go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?
Man: I offer you myself.
Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts.
Man: I want to share everything with you.
Woman: Let's start from your bank account.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
What do you call 5000 dead criminal defense lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!
What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?
Jewelry.
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, and then on the other.
How do you get a group of personal injury lawyers to smile for a picture?
Just say "FEES"
A guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" he asks.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it," she replies.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explains.
She looks satisfied and apologizes.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes to, he says, "What was that for?"
"YOUR HORSE PHONED!"
Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the
field"
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.