Mrs. Sullivan and her little daughter Patty were outside the church watching all the comings and goings of a wedding.
After the photographs had been taken, everyone had driven off to the reception, and all the excitement was over.
Patty asked her mother, "Why did the bride change her mind, Mommy?"
"What do you mean, change her mind?" asked Mrs. Sullivan.
"Well`, said the child, "she went into the church with one man and came out with another!"
A photographer, who was also a confirmed athiest, decided to go into the woods to get photos of the fall foliage.
It was a beautiful day....fall colors, birds chirping, babbling brook, and a gentle breeze rustling the leaves.
While snapping shots, the athiest heard a noise behind him, and whirled around to see a huge bear coming through the bushes. He dropped his camera and ran. And kept running....... and looking behind him, he noticed the bear was gaining on him. He was so scared that tears came to his eyes. He ran faster, but the bear was closing in on him. He ran faster yet, and tripped over a root. Rolling over onto his back, the athiest saw the bear rise to his full height and raise a huge paw...... and the athiest cried out, "Oh, God, no!"
And everything stopped. The birds stopped chirping. The brook stopped babbling. The gentle breeze stopped. And the bear froze with his paw in the air. And the athiest heard a booming voice say, "Young man. For years you doubted my very existance, but now that your life is in peril you call my name to help you. Why should I do so?"
And the athiest thought for a moment, and said, "Yes, you are right. If you are God, then it would be hypocritical of me to become a Christian at this point in my life. But, do you think that you could at least make the bear a Christian for today?" And the booming voice was quiet for a moment and then said, "Done."
And everything started again. The birds chirping, brook babbling, and gentle breeze rustling the leaves. And the bear slowly lowered his paw.
And the bear put his paws together, and bowed his massive head and said, "Dear Lord, please bless this food we are about to eat."
The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.
One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.
The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"
Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.
After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.
The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."
There was an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman working on the top of a cliff. The Englishman said, "If I have cheese in my sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump off this cliff."
The Scotsman said, "If I have jam in my sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump off the cliff."
The Irishman said, "If I have ham tomorrow, I'll jump off the cliff."
The next day, the Englishman had cheese, the Irishman had ham, and the Scotsman had jam. So they all jumped.
At the funerals, the wives of the Scotsman and Englishman said, "Why didn't they just tell us they didn't like their sandwiches?"
The Irish lady said, "I don't know why my husband jumped off the cliff. He made his own sandwiches."
AFTER ENGAGEMENT:
HE: I waited so long for this.
SHE: Do U want me to leave?
HE: No. never!
SHE: Do U love me?
HE: Yes I did, I'm doing & I'll do.
SHE: Did you ever cheat me?
HE: I would rather die than do it.
SHE: Will you kiss me?
HE: Surely, it's my pleasure.
SHE: Will you hurt me?
HE: No way, I'm not such a kind of person.
SHE: Can I trust you?
HE: Yes.
SHE: Oh, Darling!
To know AFTER WEDDING:
>Read from bottom to top<
Santa Singh and Banta Singh were sitting on a tree and Santa Singh was singing a song.After 4 songs Santa Singh hung himself upside down and started singing again.
Banta Singh : Santa Singh, what is the matter with you? Why are you hanging upside down?
Santa Singh : I am singing the B side.
Jay went to a psychiatrist. “Doc, he said, “I’ve got trouble.
Every time I get into bed I think there is somebody under it.
I get under the bed; I think there’s somebody on top of it.
Top, under, under top. I’m going crazy!”
“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink.
“Come to me three times a week and I’ll cure you.”
“How much do you charge?”
“A hundred dollars per visit.”
“I’ll think about it.”
Jay never went back. Some time later he met the doctor on the street.
“Why didn’t you ever come to see me again? Asked the psychiatrist.
“For a hundred buck a visit? A bartender cured me for 10 dollars.”
“Is that so! How?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.”