An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.
The Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result.
He figured he'd crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that would sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home.
When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"
"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.
"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don't want you any mo'.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies?
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from?
Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.
The teacher of the Earth Science class was lecturing on map reading. He spent the class explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes. Towards the end of class, the teacher asked his students, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude..." A student's voice broke the confused silence, and volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone, sir.
When I was younger I hated going to weddings... it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Rob and Tom apply for the same job. They take a written test. “You both got the same number of questions wrong,” the HR person tells them, “but Rob gets the job.”
“If we both got the same number of questions wrong, how come he gets the job?” Tom asks indignantly.
“Well,” says the HR person, “one of his incorrect answers was better than yours.”
“Whoa, how can that be?”
“For problem No. 46, Rob wrote, ‘I don’t know.’ You wrote, ‘Me neither.’”
Love is holding hands in the street. Marriage is holding arguments in the street.
Love is dinner for 2 in your favourite restaurant. Marriage is a take home pack.
Love is watching movie on a sofa. Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.
Love is talking about having children. Marriage is talking about getting away from children.
Love is going to bed early. Marriage is going to sleep early.
Love is losing your appetite. Marriage is losing your figure.
Love is 1 drink and 2 straws. Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!"
Conclusion: Love is blind, Marriage is an eye opener.. :)