Man : Is there any way for long life?
Doctor : Get married.
Man : Will it help?
Doctor : No the thought of long life will never come
Two boys were playing marble and suddenly rushed to the hospital.
Smaller boy told to the doctor, “I have swallowed a marble.”
Doctor: “I see, Is this your brother with you?” asked to the older boy.
The other boy replied “No, I own the marble.”
Little Tommy is about to leave for school. 'Be very careful on the road,' says his father. 'Don't you forget to look round twice when you cross.' 'Oh, daddy, you know I am always very careful,' he replies. 'But Tommy, I only mention this because mummy has gone to work by car today,' father says.
After being with her all evening, the man couldn’t take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, “I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.”
“Thank heavens,” his date replied. “If yours hadn’t, mine would have had to!”
Pupil (on phone): My son has a bad cold and won’t be able to come to school today.
School Secretary: Who is this?
Pupil: This is my father speaking!
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.
The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that."
She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store
clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics
rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart
bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the
Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding
a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was
going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the
irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns
are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."