An elementary school teacher sends this note to
All parents on the first day of school.
"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school,
I will promise not to believe everything your child says happens at home.
A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman,
"Which book has helped you most in your life?"
The woman replied - "My husband's cheque book."
Lord, you know I like to bake,
(I say it's for my family's sake),
Apple pies and cheesecake too,
And dumplings in the Irish stew.
Lord, you know I like to bake,
But I need to curb my intake,
Pavlova, a delicious sugary fluff,
I never seem to have enough.
Lord, you know I like to bake,
But cholesterol pills I now take,
These words I must never utter,
"Please pass me the cream and butter"
Lord, a special favour I shall ask,
It would only be a simple task,
You who changed water into wine,
Dissolve those calories when I dine!
A MAN appeared at the box office of a cinema and bought two tickets.
A few minutes later he returned and bought two more.
When, after a short interval, he appeared a third time and offered to pay for two more, the ticket-seller opened the little door in the glass and spoke up.
'Aren't you the same gentleman who just bought two tickets and two others just a little while ago?' she asked, puzzled. 'Yes,' replied Banta Singh plaintively,
'But there's some fool at the gate who keeps tearing them up!'
His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation. Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?”
“A box of Tampax,” he replied without hesitation.
“Tampax?” said the doctor. “What would you do with that?”
“Well,” said Johnny, “I do not know exactly, but it’s sure worth two dollars.
With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to.”
(Girl standing in the bathroom washing her face. She’ve been under a lot of stress, so she have been breaking out a lot more than she used to. Her boyfriend comes in and points.)
Boyfriend: “Eeeeeww! What’s on your face?!”
Girl: “You’re such a jerk! You know I hate when you do that!”
Boyfriend: *hugs me* “I love you no matter what, my beautiful pizza face!”
Woman: I have a problem.
Doctor: Well, are you regular?
Woman: Yes I am. Every day I do a number one at 7:30 in the morning and a number two at 8:30.
Doctor: So, what's the problem?
Woman: I don't get up untill 9:30.